I wrote recently about codependency in parenting, in relation to the stress we feel when our teenagers are going through exams. Ask yourself this question as a quick test of whether or not you’re a codependent parent: “Am I only as happy as my unhappiest child?” If your answer is yes, there’s a good chance you’ve got some codependent habits in your relationship with them.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a term that often comes up in the context of relationships—particularly those that feel one-sided, emotionally exhausting, or difficult to leave. Does any of this resonate as you think about your teenager? Be honest…
At its core, codependency is a pattern of behaviour in which someone consistently prioritises another person’s needs above their own. As parents, then, we’re set up from the start to be codependent, so let’s get this clear: if you’re a codependent parent, it’s not your fault – it’s natural! But while caring for your children is a healthy and natural part of your relationship with them, codependency takes this to an unhealthy extreme—where your sense of identity and self-worth becomes entangled with the wellbeing or approval of your child.
Why should I care if I’m codependent?
Look, at the end of the day, it’s normal to be codependent with your child. When they’re born, it’s your job to take care of them – to make every decision for them to ensure not only their survival, but their happiness. It’s a natural parenting instinct to put your child first, however that may impact you personally.
But this sets you up for a pretty tough task as they start to gain their independence. If you continue to be a codependent parent, the risk is that you will continue to try to rule their lives as they grow up, maintaining control over them to ensure their safety – and your peace of mind. The problem is, this will backfire on you. Teenagers naturally want to separate, and although that’s hard for parents, it’s essential if they’re going to live independent lives where they can thrive.
Learning not to be codependent is essential for their independence, their happiness, and your happiness too, as they make decisions over whether or not to include you in their adult lives.
How do I know if I’m a codependent parent?
This is easy. Think about your relationship with your child, especially if they’re a teenager or adult. When they’re upset, does it make you feel so bad that you struggle to concentrate on your own day? When something goes wrong for them, is your instinct to take over and fix it for them? When they have friendship issues, do you feel angry with the friends and their parents? And when they have a success, is your first instinct to post about it on social media?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, congratulations – you really love your child and you want the absolute best for them. But you’re also probably a bit codependent. If you feel the need to ‘own’ any of your child’s experiences, either to bask in the glory or to fix a problem for them, you’re probably dependent on your child’s outcomes for your own emotional wellbeing.
How do I stop being codependent as a parent?
It isn’t easy to separate our emotions from those of our children, but it’s essential if they’re going to thrive as adults, and if you’re going to feel good about letting them live the independent life you want them to have.
First, you need to notice your own emotions, and separate them from those of your child. Is your child scared, upset or lonely? If it feels unbearable to watch your child deal with those feelings, you’re feeling codependent. The way to deal with this is to let your child talk about how they’re feeling and try to respond as an objective outsider. Usually, our children just want to vent to someone so they can decide what they want to do about their problems. They’re not looking for us to provide a solution. Whilst this can feel hard as a parent, it’s the greatest gift we can give our children – the knowledge that we’re there for them, but aren’t going to try to take over.
This involves learning to sit with our own feelings and tolerate them rather than trying to find a solution so we can stop feeling them. If you’re not used to that, it can feel incredibly hard. It can help to have a counsellor to support you while you come to appreciate that your feelings are not dangerous, and will dissipate if you allow them to be there. Once you’re able to tolerate how you feel, you’ll be in a much better place to help your child decide what they want to do about their own problems.
Codependent parent FAQs
- What are the characteristics of a codependent parent?
A parent who is codependent with their child is likely to be very invested in their child’s outcomes. The phrase “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child” will resonate for this parent, and their mood will often be dependent on their child’s state of mind.
A codependent parent is likely to want to ‘fix’ their child’s problems, often intervening in their lives in ways which the child may not want. For example, a codependent parent is likely to want to call their child’s doctor even after the child has become legally old enough to manage their own medical affairs.
- Why is codependency bad?
Codependent parents find it difficult to cope with their own emotions when their child is going through something difficult. Whilst, to a certain extent, this is normal, it can be a barrier to children growing up and learning to live independent lives.
Codependency with your child isn’t bad, but it can be unhelpful for you and your child. An older teenager needs to separate and learn to live an independent life. The more you try to control your child’s outcomes (to help them and you feel better), the more likely it is you will annoy them and convince them not to share aspects of their lives with you. Ironically, the long-term relationship you want with your child is less likely to happen the more you try to influence their outcomes.
Being codependent with your child can also leave you feeling anxious and sad about your child’s problems – even when they’re adults – which is detrimental to your own wellbeing.
- How does a codependent parent affect a child?
The good news is that your child will probably be fine, although you may find they they need to distance themselves from you, especially emotionally, to feel like they are able to make their own decisions about life.
Continuing to be codependent on your child as they become older teenagers and adults is most likely to impact the parent, as their child rejects them to some extent. Older children may feel controlled or suffocated by their parent’s need to be too involved in their lives. This often leads to them shutting their parent out of their lives, and keeping their feelings to themselves.
Whilst this may feel distressing for the parent, it also leaves the adult child with fewer people to turn to in times of crisis. If you can let your child have their own emotions without making your happiness dependent on theirs, you’re much more likely to have a satisfying adult relationship with your child.
- What is an unhealthy parent-adult child relationship?
It’s so difficult to know when to let your child have more independence. Too soon, and they risk getting into more scrapes. Too late and you risk stifling their development, and – with it – your relationship with them.
It’s inevitable that you won’t get this right all of the time. But if you can learn to separate which emotions belong to you and which to them, you’ll stand a good chance. It gets unhealthy when either one of you is irritated by the other’s needs. You might annoy your child by asking what they’re eating, insisting they see a dentist or wear a coat, or by thinking you can do a better job than them of getting a better answer from a GP than they have managed.
Equally, your child might get in the way of your life by constantly calling when things go wrong, handing their emotions over to you to try and fix.
- Can a parent be too attached to their child?
100%. It’s very common for a parent to be too attached to their child. It’s also quite normal, and something the parent needs to work on as their child gets older. If you think about it, our children are fully dependent on us for survival from the moment they’re born. Mothers are biologically programmed to meet their children’s every need, so it’s very difficult to transition to giving children more free rein to make their own mistakes.
Whilst it’s a tough ask of a parent, supporting children to feel their own emotions and make decisions about how to manage them is essential as they grow into adulthood. The parents who manage this difficult transition well are likely to have a good relationship with their children as adults. Those who continue to put their own emotional needs ahead of their child’s need for separation may struggle to stay connected as their child separates.
- How to stop being an enmeshed parent
There’s no other way to stop being codependent on your children than by examining your own emotional needs. Very often, a codependent parent is struggling with their own emotional attachment. This makes it difficult to let go of a relationship that has come to mean everything to the parent. It’s very hard to let go of that unconditional love that a child has for their parent when there isn’t a solid sense of emotional attachment elsewhere for the parent.
Single parents, especially, can struggle to let their child separate, particularly if they have a close relationship with their child. Here are some things you can do to make it easier to stop being codependent with your child as they grow
- Concentrate on the relationship with your partner. As your children become teenagers, allow them to gradually start making their own decisions – whether you like those decisions or not – while you focus on what you need in your life, particularly from your partner.
- Spend more time with friends. Expanding your connection to your own friends can be very rewarding, and will give you other sources of love, distraction and joy.
- Try to find joy in watching your child become who he or she really is. Whilst we all have dreams for our children, often the most fun comes from seeing which directions they choose for themselves. Learning about what our children are interested in can open up a whole new world of interests for us.
- Try to avoid fixing their problems. Instead – when they come to you with a dilemma – ask them what they think they should do about it and encourage them to try out solutions. You will give them the confidence to think for themselves, and you’ll be there in the background if they really need you to help pick up the pieces.
- How to detach from codependent parents
This can be a tough one, depending on your relationship with your parents. Ideally, your parent will have been able to acknowledge that you’re growing up and need to find your own solutions, but it can be hard for parents to know when to make that shift. You can help them by giving them the reassurance that you are ready to make your own decisions.
- Be firm when they try to tell you what to do. The reason they’re trying to fix your problems is probably because they’re scared. They’ve spent your whole life having to keep you safe, so it can be difficult to notice when that’s no longer needed. Let them know that you’re confident you have the answers, and reassure them when they ask you to let them in on what your plans are. Phrases like “I know you’re worried, but I promise you I’ve got this. Here’s what I’m going to do.” will make them feel more able to back off.
- Tell them you know they’ve got your back, and that you’ll definitely ask them for help when you feel you need it, but that – for now – you’d like to try things your way. Check in with them regularly to let them know how you’re doing. Parents usually just want to know that you’re happy and coping. If you’re not, tell them this, but let them know what you’re doing to fix it.
- If necessary, limit what you tell them. If your parent is prone to pestering you about everything in your life, you may have to keep some things to yourself until they get used to not being so in the know. Be aware though, that the less you tell them, the more they will want to know, so be honest about why you feel the need to distance from them. Let them tell you how that feels, and see if you can find a compromise that means they will understand your need for a private life, and you’re able to share a few things that make them feel involved.
- If your parent persists in being intrusive in your life, be clear about what you’re prepared to share and what is private to you, and be consistent in your actions after that. If your parent is adamant you must call them when you’re home, but that’s unacceptable to you, tell them that, and then don’t be drawn into discussion about it when they try to push your buttons.
