How working with your inner critic in therapy can change everything
Most of us know what it’s like to have an inner critic. It’s the voice that tells you you’ve messed up after a night out with friends. The one that points out every flaw in the mirror. The one that says you should be coping better, doing more, achieving more or somehow being a better version of yourself.
For some people, the inner critic is an occasional nuisance. For others, it’s a constant companion. It might sound like:
- “You’re not good enough for that.”
- “No point. You’ll only fail.”
- “Everyone else is doing it so much better than you.”
- “You shouldn’t be feeling like this.”
- “You’re too much. Why did you say that?!”
- “You’re letting people down. Why can’t you do better?”
Over time, these messages can become so familiar that we stop noticing them. We assume they’re actually true. We mistake the voice of the inner critic for reality. And if we do have enough self-confidence to know there’s an alternative way of looking at things, all we can do is hate our critic and wish it would leave. Which only makes it stronger.
But what if your inner critic isn’t actually your enemy? What if there’s a different way to relate to it?
Why your critical thoughts feel so convincing
The inner critic often presents itself as the voice of reason. It sounds certain. It sounds authoritative. It can even sound as though it’s trying to help. That’s because, in a strange way, it usually is. Most of my clients are surprised when I say this. Why would something that makes us feel anxious, ashamed or inadequate be trying to help?
The answer is that the inner critic often develops as a form of protection.
At some point in your life, being self-critical may have helped you avoid embarrassment, rejection, failure, conflict or disappointment. Perhaps having high standards for yourself earned you attention and praise. Maybe being conscientious brought results that got you noticed. Perhaps self-criticism felt safer than being criticised by someone else. Perhaps perfectionism became a way of staying in control.
The inner critic learns that if it pushes you hard enough, it can keep you safe. The problem is that what may have once helped can become exhausting later in life. The critic doesn’t realise you’ve grown up. It keeps using the same old strategy to get you approval, even when that strategy is now causing stress, anxiety, low self-esteem or burnout.
Fighting your inner critic rarely works
Many people come to therapy wanting to get rid of their inner critic, and that’s understandable. When a voice inside your head is constantly judging you, it’s natural to want it gone. Yet one thing I’ve noticed repeatedly in my work is that the harder people fight their inner critic, the more entrenched it often becomes.
If you have an inner critic, it’s likely that the internal dialogue looks a bit like this: one part of you is trying to silence the critic, but the critic pushes back harder. And before long, you’re caught in an exhausting internal battle. This is one reason why positive affirmations can sometimes fall flat. If a critical part of you believes you’re a failure, telling yourself you’re wonderful may simply trigger more resistance.
The critic feels unheard and responds by turning up the volume.
A different approach: Getting curious about your inner critic
Rather than asking, “How do I get rid of my inner critic?”, a more helpful question might be:
“What is my inner critic afraid would happen if it stopped criticising me?”
This shift changes everything.
One of the things I value most about this work is that it moves us beyond questions of whether the inner critic is right or wrong. Instead, we become interested in why it’s there at all. That’s where meaningful change begins.
When we become curious about the fears beneath the criticism, something often softens. For example:
- Beneath criticism such as “You mustn’t make mistakes” might be a fear of rejection.
- Beneath “You should work harder” might be a fear of failure or scarcity.
- Beneath “Don’t trust people” might be a fear of being hurt again.
The criticism is what we hear on the surface. Underneath it, there is usually something much more vulnerable.
How therapy can help with the inner critic
One of the most powerful things therapy offers is a space to explore the inner critic without judgement. Rather than automatically believing it, fighting it or trying to silence it, we can begin to understand it. We can discover where it came from. We can understand what it’s trying to achieve. And we can help it find new ways of protecting you that don’t involve constant self-attack.
In my therapy practice, I often help people explore their inner critic in this way. We don’t assume it’s telling the truth, but we don’t treat it as the enemy either. Instead, we get curious about what its intention is and what it might need in order to step back from its constant vigilance.
I’ve never met an inner critic that is simply trying to make someone’s life miserable.
More often, I find parts that are working incredibly hard to prevent failure, rejection, shame, disappointment or hurt. Understanding that doesn’t make the criticism pleasant, but it does create a foundation for change.
What happens when the inner critic softens?
People often assume that if they become less self-critical, they’ll become lazy, complacent or unmotivated. In reality, I usually see the opposite.
When the inner critic relaxes, people often find they have more energy, not less. They take healthier risks. They recover from mistakes more quickly. They become kinder to themselves without losing their ambition. They stop spending so much emotional energy fighting themselves. Most importantly, they discover that growth doesn’t have to come through self-punishment.
- You can be accountable without being cruel.
- You can have high standards without living in fear.
- You can move forward without constantly attacking yourself.
The first step to making peace with your inner critic
The next time your inner critic shows up, notice if you can pause before believing everything it says. Instead of assuming it’s right, try asking what it’s worried about.
- What is it trying to prevent?
- What is it afraid might happen?
You may find that beneath the harsh words is a part of you that has been working very hard for a very long time. And sometimes the beginning of healing isn’t learning how to silence your inner critic. It’s learning how to listen to it differently.
As an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist I want to understand my clients’ processes. Rather than trying to get rid of critical parts, we explore what they’re trying to achieve and what they fear might happen if they stepped back. Again and again, I’ve seen how powerful it can be when people move from fighting themselves to understanding themselves. If any of this resonates for you, I’d love to help you explore and start to make peace with your inner critic.
