Question 1

What are the characteristics of a codependent parent?

Accepted Answer

A parent who is codependent with their child is likely to be very invested in their child's outcomes. The phrase "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child" will resonate for this parent, and their mood will often be dependent on their child's state of mind.

A codependent parent is likely to want to 'fix' their child's problems, often intervening in their lives in ways which the child may not want. For example, a codependent parent is likely to want to call their child's doctor even after the child has become legally old enough to manage their own medical affairs.

Question 2

Why is codependency bad?

Accepted Answer

Codependent parents find it difficult to cope with their own emotions when their child is going through something difficult. Whilst, to a certain extent, this is normal, it can be a barrier to children growing up and learning to live independent lives.

Codependency with your child isn't bad, but it can be unhelpful for you and your child. An older teenager needs to separate and learn to live an independent life. The more you try to control your child's outcomes (to help them and you feel better), the more likely it is you will annoy them and convince them not to share aspects of their lives with you. Ironically, the long-term relationship you want with your child is less likely to happen the more you try to influence their outcomes.

Being codependent with your child can also leave you feeling anxious and sad about your child's problems - even when they're adults - which is detrimental to your own wellbeing.

Question 3

How does a codependent parent affect a child?

Accepted Answer

The good news is that your child will probably be fine, although you may find they they need to distance themselves from you, especially emotionally, to feel like they are able to make their own decisions about life.

Continuing to be codependent on your child as they become older teenagers and adults is most likely to impact the parent, as their child rejects them to some extent. Older children may feel controlled or suffocated by their parent's need to be too involved in their lives. This often leads to them shutting their parent out of their lives, and keeping their feelings to themselves.

Whilst this may feel distressing for the parent, it also leaves the adult child with fewer people to turn to in times of crisis. If you can let your child have their own emotions without making your happiness dependent on theirs, you're much more likely to have a satisfying adult relationship with your child.

Question 4

What is an unhealthy parent-adult child relationship?

Accepted Answer

It's so difficult to know when to let your child have more independence. Too soon, and they risk getting into more scrapes. Too late and you risk stifling their development, and - with it - your relationship with them.

It's inevitable that you won't get this right all of the time. But if you can learn to separate which emotions belong to you and which to them, you'll stand a good chance. It gets unhealthy when either one of you is irritated by the other's needs. You might annoy your child by asking what they're eating, insisting they see a dentist or wear a coat, or by thinking you can do a better job than them of getting a better answer from a GP than they have managed.

Equally, your child might get in the way of your life by constantly calling when things go wrong, handing their emotions over to you to try and fix.

Question 5

Can a parent be too attached to their child?

Accepted Answer

100%. It's very common for a parent to be too attached to their child. It's also quite normal, and something the parent needs to work on as their child gets older. If you think about it, our children are fully dependent on us for survival from the moment they're born. Mothers are biologically programmed to meet their children's every need, so it's very difficult to transition to giving children more free rein to make their own mistakes.

Whilst it's a tough ask of a parent, supporting children to feel their own emotions and make decisions about how to manage them is essential as they grow into adulthood. The parents who manage this difficult transition well are likely to have a good relationship with their children as adults. Those who continue to put their own emotional needs ahead of their child's need for separation may struggle to stay connected as their child separates.

Question 6

How to stop being an enmeshed parent

Accepted Answer

There's no other way to stop being codependent on your children than by examining your own emotional needs. Very often, a codependent parent is struggling with their own emotional attachment. This makes it difficult to let go of a relationship that has come to mean everything to the parent. It's very hard to let go of that unconditional love that a child has for their parent when there isn't a solid sense of emotional attachment elsewhere for the parent.

Single parents, especially, can struggle to let their child separate, particularly if they have a close relationship with their child. Here are some things you can do to make it easier to stop being codependent with your child as they grow

 	Concentrate on the relationship with your partner. As your children become teenagers, allow them to gradually start making their own decisions - whether you like those decisions or not - while you focus on what you need in your life, particularly from your partner.
 	Spend more time with friends. Expanding your connection to your own friends can be very rewarding, and will give you other sources of love, distraction and joy.
 	Try to find joy in watching your child become who he or she really is. Whilst we all have dreams for our children, often the most fun comes from seeing which directions they choose for themselves. Learning about what our children are interested in can open up a whole new world of interests for us.
 	Try to avoid fixing their problems. Instead - when they come to you with a dilemma - ask them what they think they should do about it and encourage them to try out solutions. You will give them the confidence to think for themselves, and you'll be there in the background if they really need you to help pick up the pieces.

Question 7

How to detach from codependent parents

Accepted Answer

This can be a tough one, depending on your relationship with your parents. Ideally, your parent will have been able to acknowledge that you're growing up and need to find your own solutions, but it can be hard for parents to know when to make that shift. You can help them by giving them the reassurance that you are ready to make your own decisions.

 	Be firm when they try to tell you what to do. The reason they're trying to fix your problems is probably because they're scared. They've spent your whole life having to keep you safe, so it can be difficult to notice when that's no longer needed. Let them know that you're confident you have the answers, and reassure them when they ask you to let them in on what your plans are. Phrases like "I know you're worried, but I promise you I've got this. Here's what I'm going to do." will make them feel more able to back off.
 	Tell them you know they've got your back, and that you'll definitely ask them for help when you feel you need it, but that - for now - you'd like to try things your way. Check in with them regularly to let them know how you're doing. Parents usually just want to know that you're happy and coping. If you're not, tell them this, but let them know what you're doing to fix it.
 	If necessary, limit what you tell them. If your parent is prone to pestering you about everything in your life, you may have to keep some things to yourself until they get used to not being so in the know. Be aware though, that the less you tell them, the more they will want to know, so be honest about why you feel the need to distance from them. Let them tell you how that feels, and see if you can find a compromise that means they will understand your need for a private life, and you're able to share a few things that make them feel involved.
 	If your parent persists in being intrusive in your life, be clear about what you're prepared to share and what is private to you, and be consistent in your actions after that. If your parent is adamant you must call them when you're home, but that's unacceptable to you, tell them that, and then don't be drawn into discussion about it when they try to push your buttons.

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